Me, Not You: My Behaviour as Communication

“It’s not you, it’s me…” How often have we heard this expression in everyday life?

In our settings, when an individual is emotionally distressed or heading towards crisis, there is a tendency to look at that behaviour in isolation. We quickly try to decipher the emotions and feelings behind the communication, focusing our efforts on applying tried-and-tested de-escalation strategies. Our attention, understandably, is centred around the person in distress.

But how often do we pause to consider the role we may be playing? We know that all behaviour is communication, so there is inevitably a correlation between our own behaviour and what it communicates to those around us.

It’s only when we recognise this and raise our levels of self-awareness and self-reflection that we can better support those in our care.

The importance of understanding how we communicate ourselves

The individuals we support need us to be emotionally available and regulated to help them navigate their own difficult feelings. Ideally, our responses would be calm, measured, and consistent every time. However, the reality is that what is going on inside us and around us has an enormous impact on how we feel inwardly and behave outwardly.

When we walk into our place of work and interact with individuals, we bring our ‘whole self’ with us, so we need to be aware of the factors that influence our behaviour and responses. Broadly speaking, these can be split into three categories:

1: Environmental factors

These are often events or conditions over which we have no control, and that have an adverse effect on our emotional state. Perhaps we have been stuck in a traffic jam on the way to work, which has made us late; or maybe there is noisy building work taking place outside our window, which is making it difficult to concentrate. The associated lack of control we have over these circumstances can trigger strong feelings and, therefore, powerful reactions when we find ourselves in situations with the individuals we support.

2: Personal factors

We are all human, so at any given time, we all have something going on either at work or at home that impacts our feelings and behaviour. It could be relationship issues, financial worries, health concerns or a bereavement. It can be hard to leave these feelings ‘at the door’ when we come to work, and they can often influence how we interact with our colleagues and with the individuals in our care, whether we are aware of this or not.

3: Historical factors

As products of our past, when we find ourselves in difficult situations, it can instigate a multitude of deep-rooted, uncomfortable feelings of our own. Experiences we have had, beliefs we hold, trauma we may have endured, and habitual, reactionary patterns of behaviour can surface, seemingly out of nowhere. These can then shape how we behave and respond to what is happening in the present moment.

We can react rather than respond

More often than not, we are unaware of these variables on a conscious level, as we often operate on autopilot throughout our daily working lives. This lack of self-awareness and self-reflection can lead us to react, not respond, to what is in front of us. We might jump straight into focusing on the other person, rather than acknowledging the part we may have played before, during, and after the event.

Questions to increase our self-awareness

Increasing our levels of self-awareness does not need to involve extended periods of introspection, nor does it have to involve a root-and-branch overhaul of existing systems, protocols or practices.

Instead, it can be a dynamic process – rather like a dynamic risk assessment – where we take a few seconds to pause and ask ourselves five simple questions. These are:

• How am I feeling in this moment?
• What does this individual feel, need, or want?
• How is the wider environment impacting them?
• How can I modify my own behaviour?
• How can I best support them?

Everything we say and do – from our stance and facial expression to the words we use and the tone of our voice – communicates something about the way we feel and will, in turn, affect the other person.

Fostering a culture of self-reflection

Like most initiatives, a culture of self-reflection starts at the top of our organisations and needs to be developed and embedded at both an institutional and individual level. Time pressures and competing demands mean that we can sometimes become overly functional in our interactions with individuals, so it is vital to build a self-reflective approach into every corner of daily life.

We need to understand the importance of reflective practice and recognise our own behaviour, and that of our colleagues. This is not to apportion blame, but to find opportunities to make small changes that can make a big difference to our practice. Sometimes, holding up a mirror like this can be a challenging experience, so collectively, we must endeavour to nurture open, honest and safe environments that facilitate effective collaboration, and that are free from judgement, blame or criticism.

Against this positive, supportive backdrop, we can encourage colleagues to share their perceptions of each other, if we feel it might be beneficial to staff development. This exercise, while potentially uncomfortable, can be hugely illuminating; we often don’t realise how we are perceived by others, and it can be helpful to glean feedback from those around us. Making ourselves vulnerable in this way takes courage, of course, but when managed well, it can help to foster a culture of growth and self-reflection, allowing us to recognise and reflect on our own behaviour.

The power of the pause

Often, the most effective de-escalation strategy is us. If we take the time to pause and consider our own thoughts, feelings and behaviour, we put ourselves in the best position to help others when they need our support.

Of course, factual information is vital when we are supporting an individual in distress, not least for recording and reporting purposes. We need to know what happened, when it happened, who was involved, and so on. But feelings matter too, and it is the feelings we all have about ourselves, and how we behave as a result, that are often the best indicator of the why. This is as true for the individuals we support as it is for us as professionals.

When we pause and reflect, we realise we have a choice in which actions we might take. As Victor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist wrote in his world-famous book, Man’s Search for Meaning, ‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.’

By understanding the part we play in every interaction, and reflecting on what our own behaviour is communicating, we can work to create positive, supportive environments for all.

If you’d like to talk to us about your needs when it comes to supporting behaviour in your setting, please get in touch any time.